So It Goes

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Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says ‘Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.Man bursts into tears. Says ‘But Doctor…I am Pagliacci.’
—The Watchmen

Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says ‘Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.

Man bursts into tears. Says ‘But Doctor…

I am Pagliacci.’

—The Watchmen

Sigh.

Him: Your first weightlifting competition is like the first time you had sex: there’s all kinds of excitement and build-up, but then it’s just kind of a letdown. 

Me: Wait, how is that different from every time I’ve had sex? 

Him:

I just thumbed through the stack of records beside the turntable in my kitchen and found a Lucky Charms marshmallow stuck to the side of Iggy Pop’s face. This tells you everything you need to know about me.

I just thumbed through the stack of records beside the turntable in my kitchen and found a Lucky Charms marshmallow stuck to the side of Iggy Pop’s face. This tells you everything you need to know about me.

Things That Will Happen the Day After You Wreck Your Back in the Gym*

*During a warm-up set with embarrassingly light weights

— You will convince yourself that lying flat and motionless on your floor is basically like a prolonged audition for playing a corpse on Law & Order. (Casting Agents: CALL ME.)

— When your left leg goes completely numb and you drape it over your right leg, it will feel like you’re spooning with an incapacitated stranger. ROMANCE!

— When your chiropractor works you in without an appointment, you will blurt out that you think he’s People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

— You will dread seeing said chiropractor because you have called him People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

— You will lie motionless and wonder which hot dead guy forced People Magazine to limit their competition to living men. 

— You will start trying to match yourself with sturdy looking guys on Tinder, just because you need someone to pick you up and put you on the sofa.

— You will learn the difficulty of eating Lucky Charms while lying prone on the carpet. It didn’t seem this hard the last time you were hungover.

— You will attempt to drag yourself to your desk to clear your Internet history, just in case you choke to death on a marshmallow rainbow.

— You will lose perspective and get way melodramatic in less than an hour. “Well, now I understand Christina’s World” is a real thing you will say.

— If your role as SVU Corpse is Emmy-nominated, you will promise to take your chiropractor as your date.

— You will start mentally designing a line of ThermaCare based lingerie for the afterparty.

— You will write lists like this.