January 2012
15 posts
Actual Things The Woman Behind Me Said During a...
“George Clooney really is nice looking.”
“Is it hard to play the ukulele?”
“Language!”
“I guess with her mom in the hospital, no one can brush Scotti’s hair.”
“He has a lot of shoes for a Hawaiian. Those look like loafers.”
“He runs like a doofus.”
“If my daughter talked to me like that, I’d have two...
“Listen to me. See, I’m hip to your problems. All of ‘em. I know you...”
– Mark Wahlberg, in Fear
This is the man who, fifteen years later, coulda been an American hero. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, MISTAH WALKAH?
“When your signature dish is hamburger in between a doughnut, and you’ve...”
– Anthony Bordain, on Paula Deen bein’ afflicted with the sugars, y’all.
Playing Favorites.
I’m at least three days behind on this, but wanted to post my favorite albums and artists of the last calendar year. I’m not going to say that these were the best or most acclaim-worthy or Bon Iver-ish records of the year; you guys know that my tastes run toward pub rock and middle-aged Englishmen.
BUT last year I did manage to make a few footsteps away from the path that leads to...
1 tag
“All that money, and he’s still got hair like a fucking dinner lady.”
– Boy George, on Elton John
—via Flavorwire’s “Harshest Musician on Musician Insults in History”
December 2011
30 posts
Final Destination
Thank you all for your tips, suggestions and concern that someone will have to scoop my charred remains into a tattered New Balance box tomorrow morning. I love you, Internet.
BUT.
Now I have a chorus. Every time the smoke alarm squeals, my upstairs neighbor drops what sounds like a box of scrap metal on the floor while shouting a mix of obscenities that make me think English isn’t her...
R.I.P.
I just know this is going to end up on the Yahoo! homepage tomorrow: Woman Electrocuted By Smoke Alarm She Blogged About JUST MINUTES BEFORE HER DEATH.
As long as I’m described as “impossibly lithe” somewhere in the first two paragraphs, I’m OK with this.
SMOKE ALARM FOLLOWUP
OK, this makes me feel very John McClane. It’s a First Alert brand OF POSSESSED PLASTIC SHIT. There are three wires connecting it to a potential death tangle crammed into the ceiling. The black one is labeled “Wire”, the Orange is “Interconnect” and the White is Neutral. Can I touch any of those? And by “touch”, I mean “grab with both hands and yank...
2 tags
“I’m going to need a SWAT team ready to mobilize, street maps covering all...”
– Dr. Who, reading my to-do list for the day
How the Grinch Stole...a Gray Hoodie →
… I ordered a couple of Christmas gifts online, carefully logging their tracking numbers and arrival dates into an Excel spreadsheet because that’s what lonely people do. All but one had arrived before I packed my bags, and I knew that box and I would probably pass each other on an air traffic controller’s computer screen. Sure enough, according to the UPS website, it was...
Watch
Jesus! You just a baby You ride a donkey I drive Mercedes Jesus, I’m so much better than you
I’m still not tired of this.
4 tags
“The very nicest thing Hollywood can possibly think of to say to a writer is that...”
– Raymond Chandler
Calling The Internet I-Team
Ok, I adopted a kid from the Angel Tree at the Y and—I’m saying this without any of my regularly-scheduled sarcasm—doing this is always my favorite part of December.
According to this snowflake-shaped piece of construction paper, my 9-year-old girl would like to unwrap some Spiderman and Iron Man action figures, so I’m guessing she’s pretty much the raddest ever and...
November 2011
43 posts
“Defense wins championships, office is for show.”
– I am thankful for reader emails.