November 2010
47 posts
Season 1, Episode 1
Phil: I’m cool dad. That’s my thang. I’m hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL, laugh out loud. OMG, oh my God. WTF, why the face?
With Young, Nothing is Easy →
When you type Vince Young’s name into Google, the first suggestion its autocomplete algorithm spits out is “Vince Young meltdown,” offering 188,000 results related to those three words.
Next up are “Vince Young Twitter” and “Vince Young stats.” I guess after his season-ending thumb injury and subsequent postgame freakout, Google’s PageRank powered brain is smart enough not to recommend...
Weezer: “Unbreak My Heart”
You...
“We all have ways of coping. I use sex and awesomeness.”
– Jack Donaghy
1 Up
Depressing: Hearing Billy Joel’s most heart-damaging love songs interpreted by an airport pianist.
More Depressing: When the same pianist acknowledges your misty-eyed presence in the Charlotte Douglas International atrium.
Most Wrist Slashingly Depressing of All Time: Realizing that the pianist is playing the Super Mario Brothers theme song shortly before tearing up at the realization...
I Wasn't Talking to You →
“Hey!” he yelled, waving both arms at me. “Hey! Hey!”
I’d never seen him before, but he was as insistent as he was loud. If my life were illustrated in comic-book form, those shouts would’ve filled an entire panel with oversized letters — a red font wearing a thick black outline.
I yanked the earbuds out of my head and turned toward the bench where he was sitting, the last bite of a...
Donovan McNabb's Ridiculous McContract →
I’m frustratingly familiar with bad timing. If there’s a moment of silence at a sporting event, I’ll interrupt it with a gale-force sneeze, adding an extra layer of disrespect when I whisper “It must be the ragweed.” If I ask about your girlfriend, it’ll be 24 hours after she left for a new area code with an Applebee’s bartender. If I bring up your grandfather, it’s guaranteed to be the...
All Day
Less than one minute into Track Three.
That’s when Girl Talk blew my mind, when “Can’t Deny It” by Fabolous dissolved into Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” before being lightly garnished with Foxy Brown. There aren’t enough adjectives, curse words and excitedly flapping hand gestures for me to tell you how much I love this album.
But—to...
Wish List
I saw Due Date yesterday and when I walked out of the theatre, I seriously wanted three things:
1) A silver Range Rover with black leather interior
2) A French bulldog
3) Robert Downey, Jr.
Small Schools, Big Game →
There’s a clock in the football offices on the Randolph-Macon campus, one that has spent the past year slowly subtracting every day, every hour and every minute. It started its annual countdown last November after The Game, after the four mud-caked quarters that ended the Yellow Jackets’ season. When it flashes a row of digital zeroes on Saturday, that means it’s time — ...
Dear Potential Hate Mailers:
I didn’t make TCU’s schedule this year, nor did I hand-pick Boise State’s opponents. So maybe you can save your quota of Angry for someone else’s inbox.
xo,
Jelisa
Perfect Isn't Good Enough →
It might have been after I ate an entire Pizza Hut P’Zone, trading a pound of garlic-soaked meats and cheeses for the very real possibility that I would die in my sleep. Maybe it was when I paid actual money to see a Kathryn Heigl movie. Or it could’ve been the day I wore leggings as pants. I can’t remember the last time I hated myself, I mean really hated myself, the kind of...
The Wombats: “Tokyo (Vampires and...
“Think about the person you want to be and just start being that person. Let the...”
– James Nord
Season 1, Episode 18
Liz Lemon: “I’m really sorry about what I did. And I know you can’t forgive me but just to even things out, here is all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and...
“My throat really hurt and I wasn’t that excited.”
– Our waitress, telling us about being in the audience for Jimmy Kimmel’s show
7 tags
Sorry, Charlie →
“If I were anything like you, I’d stuff myself in a trash can.”
“I wish you were clean enough for me to spit on.”
“I’d beat the crap out of you, but you’d probably infect my hands.”
Nobody could talk smack like Shakespeare’s title characters. In this case I’m paraphrasing cranky-ass Athenian Timon, and the servants who were on the receiving ends of these nastygrams just had to stand...
“People think it’s very hard to be funny but it’s an interesting thing. If you...”
– Woody Allen, on the humorists’ perspective
—via The Paris Review
It's Hard to Stop the Duck(s) →
His face is covered when he’s in public. He’s not allowed to speak, not even when spoken to. He cannot — and will not — reveal his identity, won’t spill the name that’s typed on his driver’s license.
That’s not the backstory for a new Marvel series; they’re the requirements for the student who climbs into Oregon’s duck costume every Saturday, the one buried beneath 15 pounds of fake...
Midnight Confessions & Cole Slaw →
Most nights, it’s “I Shot the Sheriff”.
Once in a while it’s “No Woman No Cry,” but it’s always Bob Marley, always one of the 14 tracks from Legend, echoing from tinny speakers that sound like they were blown back when Bob was still alive.
Every night between 2 and 2:30 a.m. a car playing one of those songs pauses outside my window, downshifting just long enough for the stoplight to...
Season 7, Episode 7
Brian: What’s it called? Stewie: Susie. Brian: Wow! A song named after a girl. There’re millions of those already. Stewie: Name twenty. Brian: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggy Mae, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny from the Block. Stewie: Name six more. Brian: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria,...
