January 2011
36 posts
December 2010
64 posts
Resolutions, Resignation →
“So what’s your New Year’s Resolution?” he asked, fumbling for change in the Borders checkout line.
The two-legged gridlock in front of the registers meant that I’d spent the past 15 minutes with this guy, a total stranger until our desire for heavily-discounted Christmas items put us on the same square of carpet. I wasn’t sure whether he’d said his name was Kevin or Klingon, so I wasn’t...
Get Busy, Claus →
There’s no question that it’s the most wonderful, fa-la-la-filled, hap-hap-happy time of the year, and I’m more than caught up in the season. I quote Clark Griswold on a daily basis. I spent this morning wondering why Rudolph didn’t just sue for discrimination. And I continue to trade oversized envelopes full of glittery Christmas greetings with forgotten relatives and unforgettable friends...
Elvis Presley: “If I Get Home On...
Dear Santa, Don't Bring Me a Lockout →
Every family has its own holiday traditions, whether it involves annoying the neighbors with off-key renditions of “Joy to the World” or wearing matching sweaters for an overly staged picture where everyone looks like they’re getting a colonoscopy with a candy cane. My own collection of relatives will spend Christmas Day sprawled in front of the fireplace watching Ralphie and Rudolph and...
“I just thought of it because Brett Favre is the quarterback and Jesus is like...”
– —Andrew Brower, 8, who drew some Vikings-themed art during Sunday School, dressing Jesus and the disciples in Minnesota jerseys.
[h/t]
“If Michael Vick can have a dog then maybe we should just re-elect Hitler.”
– I’ll give an Outback gift card to the first person who can find the problem with this man’s argument.
“I hope someone crushes your skull.”
– I’ve found the responses of self-proclaimed “dog lovers” to be full of reason and compassion, just as one would expect from those who advocate equal treatment for all of the earth’s creatures.
“Screw Vick and you!! And by the way the correct spelling is Jackass...”
– —From one of the 173 emails I woke up to this morning.
It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.
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Should Vick Get Another Chance? →
Last Saturday night, we went to a friend’s house for the kind of high-calorie comfort food that tastes the best after a day of cold drizzle. After several minutes spent smearing rib sauce across our faces, one of the other couples stopped eating long enough to announce that their Golden Retriever is expecting a Gosselin-sized litter of six puppies.
Since the purebred mother-to-be is due on...
3 tags
Lovely Rita, Meter Maid →
When you’re in a relationship, you’re constantly trying to find ways to surprise each other, little ways of showing you care that don’t always require sifting through a stack of cards at Hallmark or the lingering taste of envelope glue. Because I can only express myself with words, with ballpoint pens and scraps of paper, I’m big on exchanging notes for no reason. I love walking to my car...
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The Brady Bunch Theme Song Goes Here →
It’s the most sentimental time of the year, the time when we think about the people we care about, reflect on how they’ve affected us … and then decide whether to buy them a Christmas gift. Every holiday season, I debate whether to include life’s supporting cast members: the building manager who de-pigeoned my balcony; the hairdresser who scissored off only the...
Dr. Phil Haiku: Today's Episode
Dinner thrown at mom
Angry kids out of control
Yes, leftovers suck
What Not To Wear
Right now, I’m wearing oversized sweatpants, a Beavis & Butthead Christmas t-shirt, a ski jacket, and my most un-made up morning face.
Right now, I am standing outside my building, in full view of the entire downtown area, waiting for a locksmith.
Right now, I wonder why this never happens when I’m in a cocktail dress.
Cat, Cradle, Etc. →
We’re nine days into December, which means most of us are up to our eggnog-stained upper lips in our favorite holiday traditions. For me, that means listening to my most jingle bell-ed playlists, making out with all kinds of Pepperidge Farm products, and gathering my family and friends around the television to watch Urban Meyer’s annual resignation.
Last year, a number of health concerns...
“Your article about Cam is, or should be, embarrassing to your and your lacking...”
– And here’s the latest submission to the “Jelisa Don’t Write Good” Collection, still on display in my inbox for the second consecutive day.
The Boy Least Likely To: “Blue Spruce...
There Will Be A Quiz →
“The Kinks were amazing in concert,” Amanada Sullivan says, skimming an UNCUT Magazine cover story about the band. “Ray Davies shook my hand, and Dave Davies stepped on my fingers.”
“They weren’t,” Tony Dagnall says, thumbing through another of the music mags spread across their table. “I saw them, and they were rubbish.”
That Sullivan and Dagnall would spend their evening debating the...
“Nice job genius. You’re female opinion of sports is laughable.”
– One more.
Take those presents back, Mom and Dad. Today has been my Christmas.
“your are stupid.”
– And with this award-winning response from the brain trust of Birmingham, Alabama, I’ll be logging out of Gmail for the remainder of the evening.
“ok stupid i appreciate that you have an opinion but your wrong way wrong. Cam...”
– And we have a winner! I give you today’s Most Unintentionally Hilarious Email That Probably Would’ve Hurt My Feelings If I Could’ve Gotten Past The Grammar Mistakes