So It Goes

*26

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The Refreshments: “Banditos”

Well ev-er-ybody knows
That the world is full of stupid people
So meet me at the mission at midnight
We’ll divvy up there

*51

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

The Cure: “Just Like Heaven”

“Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream,” she said
“The one that makes me laugh,” she said
And threw her arms around my neck

Great opening lines or greatest opening lines? Discuss.

*57

Push it…push it…push it across the table because my eggs could use a bit more Pepa.

—via snuh

*23

The resemblance between Ellen DeGeneres and my beloved Nick Lowe has pretty much ruined my life.

*13

"He’s the only quarterback we’ve got on the roster,” [Cardinals Coach Ken] Whisenhunt said of [Matt] Leinart. “So we don’t really have a lot of options."

Hahahahahaha….sob.

Dear Kurt Warner:

Please come back. I’ll buy you a smaller helmet to wear inside your regular helmet and will also bake a cake for you and Jesus.

XO,

Jelisa

*14

Deconstructing Wilt Chamberlain & His 20,000 Women

There are a handful of individuals who over the course of their lives will transcend their competitors and colleagues to become the signature representatives of their field, whether it’s Carl Sagan and astronomy, Orville Redenbacher and popcorn or the cast of Jersey Shore and everyday douchery. When it comes to sex though, anything that takes place between the fitted and the flat sheets will be measured against Wilt Chamberlain, the late NBA player who famously claimed to have slept with more than 20,000 women.

Chamberlain died in 1999 — and was presumably buried face down — but his X-rated legacy lives on. Whenever an oversized font precedes a sexually-charged article — whether it’s about Tiger and his silicone-stuffed “indescretions” or the number of condoms being distributed to athletes in the Olympic village — Chamberlain’s name has been pasted into several paragraphs. Apparently in addition to hanging his jersey from the rafters, his Sleep Number should’ve been retired as well.

Chamberlain’s Caligula-style legacy began with his book A View From Above, a title that suggests that he liked to be on top. He dedicated an entire chapter to his sex life, bragging that that he’d been with an estimated 20,000 women, a figure that equates to something like eight horizontal workouts (or vertical or diagonal or that Chandelier thing that I haven’t figured out yet) every week or 416 a year or I’m getting chafed just thinking about it.

This week for NBC Sports - Out of Bounds, I got to write about sex, which is kind of like asking a ground squirrel to write about stem cell research.

*86

This is why I just leave all of my naked pictures in the gas station where they were taken.

*49

It’s a trap!

—via

*53

Christian Nymphos.

I’m…um…

Wha…uh…

I just…

[head explodes]

*34

Ten Rules for Writing Fiction

1 Do not place a photograph of your favourite author on your desk, especially if the author is one of the famous ones who committed suicide.

2 Do be kind to yourself. Fill pages as quickly as possible; double space, or write on every second line. Regard every new page as a small triumph –

3 Until you get to Page 50. Then calm down, and start worrying about the quality. Do feel anxiety – it’s the job.

4 Do give the work a name as quickly as possible. Own it, and see it. Dickens knew Bleak House was going to be called Bleak House before he started writing it. The rest must have been easy.

5 Do restrict your browsing to a few websites a day. Don’t go near the online bookies – unless it’s research.

6 Do keep a thesaurus, but in the shed at the back of the garden or behind the fridge, somewhere that demands travel or effort. Chances are the words that come into your head will do fine, eg “horse”, “ran”, “said”.

7 Do, occasionally, give in to temptation. Wash the kitchen floor, hang out the washing. It’s research.

8 Do change your mind. Good ideas are often murdered by better ones. I was working on a novel about a band called the Partitions. Then I decided to call them the Commitments.

9 Do not search amazon.co.uk for the book you haven’t written yet.

10 Do spend a few minutes a day working on the cover bio— “He divides his time between Kabul and Tierra del Fuego.” But then get back to work.

—Roddy Doyle, one of the many contributors to The Guardian’s Ten Rules for Writing Fiction article, which is well worth a read. Both parts.

Now get back to work.