Dear Potential Heroes and/or My New Best Friend:
This is my smoke alarm or, more accurately, what’s left of it. Last night about halfway through the third period of the Bruins/Coyotes game (or 11:45 p.m. in non-puck time) it started shrieking about every five minutes. By 2:45 a.m., it had quickened its pace to suicide-inducing 90 second intervals.
So. I climbed on a stepladder, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep and shaking with pants-shitting fury, completely ignoring the fact that everyone within a block and a half could see my naked lower half (because of bedtime, not because of the shit. The shit is figurative.) through the un-blinded parts of the windows.
ANYWAY. I smashed at it as best I could while balancing on the top rung of a ladder in worn Halloween socks. I pulled the batteries out. I inadvertently broke the casing. I might have thought about yanking some wires until I visualized the terror of my loved ones discovering my charred, Franken-socked body.
ANYWAY AGAIN. It’s STILL shrieking and I seriously can’t take it anymore. Building management hasn’t returned my calls, probably because they can sense my Angry through their phones. Is there ANY FUCKING WAY to make this stop, short of wildly bashing at the ceiling with a Louisville Slugger?
It has NO batteries, I’ve tried cutting every breaker not marked “Dishwasher” or “Laundry Room” BUT IT WON’T STOP AND SWEET CHRIST THERE IT WAS AGAIN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP AND ALSO SEND NEW SOCKS. JUST STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT
(But seriously, any ideas?)
