Actual Things The Woman Behind Me Said During a Saturday Afternoon Showing of “The Descendants”
“George Clooney really is nice looking.”
“Is it hard to play the ukulele?”
“Language!”
“I guess with her mom in the hospital, no one can brush Scotti’s hair.”
“He has a lot of shoes for a Hawaiian. Those look like loafers.”
“He runs like a doofus.”
“If my daughter talked to me like that, I’d have two family members in the hospital”
“Is Scotti a nickname?”
“That boy has a Joker mouth.”
“He was probably always really nice looking.”
“THAT’S A PLOT POINT.”
“Which Bridges is that?”
“Do they call them Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii? Or just ‘shirts’?”
“He must not be a very good lawyer.”
“I don’t like to run on the sand.”
“Now he’s barefoot.”
“Do those flowers dissolve in the water?”
[Ten straight minutes of body-wracking sobs]
“Are we ever going to find out Scotti’s real name?”
[Another five minutes when she’s openly weeping and saying “Oh Lord, Oh Lord, Oh Lord”]
“He can really do sad.”
[Continued sniffles]
“That might have been better than The Help”
