Dammit, other bidders, didn’t you realize that I needed this for my Halloween costume? I can’t believe that you’d swiftly blow past my maximum bid of $12.99.
No, it’s not too early to think about your Halloween attire, especially when—for the sake of authenticity—you’ll need to accessorize with a cricket bat.
I take this shit seriously and always have; to my knowledge, winning every single costume contest at my former places of employment has been the only tangible benefit of a theatre degree. Hooray for four semesters of Stage Makeup!
My Notable Costumes: A Brief History
1998: The Next-To-The-Last Don. A Mafioso who’d been taken out by The Family, complete with insanely realistic bullet holes to the face (as well as frighteningly realistic facial stubble). Also, lots of blood.
1999: Caddyshack as directed by John Carpenter. Plus fours, a tam o’shanter, and a forehead full of golf tees. Half a golf ball was painstakingly affixed to the side of my face like I’d recently stopped a drive with my cheekbones. Also, lots of blood.
2000: Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. Self-explanatory, but there’s a picture here. Also, lots of blood.
2002: A Chercrow. Half Cher, half scarecrow, all terrifying. Let’s just say it involved a prosthetic ass, fishnets, and some leftover birds from the Hitchcock costume.
2003: Roy Horn, post-tiger mauling. This one didn’t go over well at the ad agency’s party, quite possibly because it was the year they opened the event to everyone’s families. Sorry, kids. Still, I won the contest and netted a $100 Hanes Mall gift certificate, which more than made up for the strongly worded email I received from Human Resources. There’s a poorly scanned picture here. Also, lots of blood.
2006: The love child of Gene Simmons and Richard Simmons. Full KISS makeup and tiny, unflattering shorts. Deal-A-Meal, bitches.
2007-2008: The hateful woman who lives alone and gives out tiny boxes of raisins, if only to teach the children who come to the door a valuable lesson about managing their expectations.
2009: SOMETHING THAT REQUIRES A CRICKET BAT
