So It Goes

The Post of the Unknown Tumblrs

I’ve read all of your secret message tumbls and—like everyone else—I wonder if any of you have been describing me, either with adjectives from the Positive collection or those from the “You suck dogs for quarters” seasonal display near the register. Either way…I hope you are.

When I was in college, there was a fraternity who wore t-shirts that said “Loved or hated but never ignored”, which I guess was their ‘roided out, meat-eating way of paraphrasing Oscar Wilde. Both of ‘em would be right.  I like to think that I make a difference, tiny as it may be, that I bring something to your lives, whether it’s making you spray a mouthful of cranberry juice on your QWERTY keys because I’ve talked about the bats in my vajay or whether you shake your fist at my avatar and call me a “meddling kid” or use the disparaging term of your choice.

Because—and I mean this in the least creeptastic way possible—I think about you guys.  I mentally high five you when you succeed and I wish I could buy you a drink when you don’t. I worry about you.  I laugh with you.  I like you…most of you.

And to drop a bit of A.A. Milne up in here, I thank you for noticing me.

That said, here are some Super Top Secret Nice Things and some Super Top Secret Mean Things.

1) My life would be so much easier if I looked like you.

2) In a way, I’m glad you unfollowed me. Now I don’t have to pretend that you shit bacon-wrapped cancer-curing unicorns.  Also, talking down to people doesn’t make you seem smarter. It makes you seem smaller.

3) In the beginning, I tried to resist liking you but the more I’ve gotten to “know” you, I understand that there’s a reason you try so hard. Knowing this makes me sad and—almost more than that—it makes me wish I’d been nicer to you all along.

4) My fist. Let me show you it.

5) I like to think we’d be friends but I’m worried that we’d spend all of our time competing against each other—at EVERYTHING—and one of us would eventually die trying to eat a chili dog in one bite.

6) You don’t deserve it.

7) You seem to have figured out how to balance being awesome on the internet with being awesome in real life.  You’ve inspired me to do the same, although I tend to get distracted by shi—MY FAUCET IS MADE OF METAL.  I wish I had your ambition, your talent, and your friendship.

8) You don’t need to pretend to be everyone else.  Who you are is amazing.

9) Even when you smile, you look sad. I wish I knew why.  I wish I could help.

10) I still haven’t figured out whether you’re married or not and, honestly, I’m not sure it matters.  In one weekend, I’d do things to you that required a level of flexibility I’m not sure either of us have and an entire jar of marmalade.  After you’d packed your toothbrush and returned to your own set of Colorforms, you’d think about it—about me—and even your memories would need a cigarette.